Brain to Mouth to Word Issues

Fact: I have speech issues. Actually, it's an issue that occurs in the synapse between the word as a thought and the word as it is spoken. The noun "word" and the verb "word", if you will [and you will because you have no choice]. For the innocent bystanders, it's a magical combination of hilarity and confusion. Literally every time I say these things, the first two sounds from the other person is "HAHAHHAHA....whaaaat?"  For me, it's a debilitating problem and reason numero uno why I hate speaking in public. It's also another reason why I could never be President. Just thinking about it gives me chest pains.

As I've said before, I firmly believe I'm the only one in the world who can make me feel and/or look like an asshole. Unfortunately, I do this to myself on a regular basis. I really should consider keeping a low-profile but that seems boring. Instead, I'll just get over myself and accept the appalling level of speech issues that torture me.

The truth is that I have this awful, unintentional habit of mixing up my words. Most of the time, it's the first few letters of each word. I googled it and discovered [much to my relief and surprise] that it's a known issue:

spoon·er·ism

   [spoo-nuh-riz-uhm]  

noun

the transposition of initial or other sounds of words, usually by accident, as in a blushing crow for a crushing blow.

Thank you, Baby Jesus. I'm not the only one.

Recently, while I was waiting for Husband to return our cart in the Weis' parking lot, a young Vietnamese boy and his mother walked passed me obviously in the midst of a heated Halloween discussion. This child was pleading his case for Harry Potter and how cool it would be to run around as a wizard.  Clearly, you understand how adorable I thought a Vietnamese Harry Potter would be with his little lightning scar and cape. I got to thinking about how fun Halloween REALLY is for kids and adults alike. Other than role-playing [you kinky suckers], when is it socially acceptable to dress up and run around pretending to be another person WHILE conquering the delicious world of candy and treats?! Never. It's never acceptable outside of Halloween. 


Upon Husband's return, I told him about the Vietnamese boy only I said "Vietmanese" instead of "Vietnamese". I didn't even realize I had misspoke! I just kept right on talking about this "Vietmanese" boy who said he wanted to be Harry Potter for Halloween. I am an asshole.  I'm STILL embarrassed that I said Vietmanese. Ugh, it makes my chest feel all tight, and I get a little sweaty [even now as I'm typing this]. 


After the whole "manese" versus "namese" debacle, Husband started repeating some of my finer moments of elocution fail. [Sweet, isn't he?] He likes to point out that I "mess up" words all the time [which is completely true, but he doesn't need to tell me that. god damn it] and that he hardly ever does [which is also true. bitch].

These are actual things that I've said out loud to him:

"Is the frudge shit all the way?"

  

"It will make his shoat kiney."

"My sokes are socking wet."

Based on the illustrations, I'm sure you can figure out what I was trying to say. You can also see how it results in immediate hysteria and complete embarrassment, simultaneously. [What a bizarre combo.] I guess it's because I laugh to keep from shrinking into an embarrassment-induced coma. I'm CERTAIN that can happen. I don't care what the doctors and "medical professionals" say. Either way, it's how I deal with these moments in my life. 


After careful consideration and a totally legit scientific study, I've concluded that there must be a common denominator of all the people that suffer from spoonerism. It can only be one of two things: the other people are somehow related to my mother or the little man in their brain is getting sloppy. I know that my issues come from a combo of Big L and the little man [double whammy. typical]. 


Honestly, I don't care how or why it happens to other people. I take solace in knowing that I'm not the only one running around mixing up my words and embarrassing the shit out of myself. 

Here are some of my favorite examples of other people's brain to mouth to word issues:

"Freepin creaky" - freepin. best word ever? I think so. Thanks Friend.


"Shit from the hoop" -  Friend said to a professor during a critique. 

"Please be hot your soup is careful" - Friend also said this on numerous occasions while 
delivering soup to customers. She is a spoonerism rock star.

"Pan of caint"  - This was Husband's. I cannot begin to tell you how this makes me feel. Not only is it one of Husband's few moments of elocution fail, but we were exhausted from home improvement projects and in our delirium, he produced this magical gem.  I nearly peed my pants. It's a small triumph for me. After years of my asshole mouth, Husband FINALLY succumbed to spoonerism. I'll have you know that he thinks it's a learned behavior because he "never" did it before he met me. I call bullshit. Clearly, the little man in his brain is getting lazy. Let's agree to disagree.

"Cart fucker smeller" - Oh, Big L. She was trying to say fart cupper smeller, but instead she called Bahb a cart fucker smeller. Don't ask.


"I heard the flird boo is back in King Kong or whatever."   - This was one of Sister's from about 5 years ago. 


Now, there are two concerning aspects of this sentence. One being that the bird flu is a real, horrific illness and its "come back" is slightly unsettling. The other being if King Kong heard this, the next thing you would see is this monster rushing you at warp speed:

As you observed in the above image, King Kong is a lot of things. He's a [pissed off/misunderstood] giant gorilla AND a bad ass. He is NOT, however, a city. Bless her soul, Sister didn't even realize what she said until I nearly stroked out on the sidewalk. I can't blame her. She is Big L's kin after all. Even to this day, if I want to say "bird flu", I have to take my time because all I can see in my head is "flird boo." 


And last, but certainly not least, one of my personal favorites because it was said in irritation:


"Oh you think you're so smucking fart."

Smucking fart. HAHAHHAHHA...whhaaaaaaaaat?