I swear like a dirty sailor. "Mouth of a trucker" has been used to describe me quite often. Along with 80% cooler than anyone you'll ever meet.
This is all true.
It's not that I think I'm a total bad-ass [even though I am, clearly]. It's not that swearing makes you "cool". It's that I find swear words to be HILARIOUS. Don't ask me to explain why but I love to swear, and I love it when other people swear. It makes my heart do back flips and my stomach giggle.
It's hard for me to pick a favorite curse word. I find myself thinking about this randomly while I'm driving or involved in a hideously boring conversation. My belief is that there isn't a perfect swear word. So, I have yet to pinpoint a favorite. PLUS you can combine different curse words together and that's just plain magical. In fact, that's what I appreciate the most about swearing. Combining swear words means that the possibilities for swearing are almost endless. I know the joy it gives me is endless.
In my youth, the only word I would NEVER say is the dreaded "C-word". I guess I considered using it a little too below-the-belt [in more ways than one. ha.] As the years went on, I grew to accept the C-word, but I understand that some people consider it to be vile. In my opinion, it's just a word. Example: cunt is to vagina as dick is to penis. Also, I think it's unfair that people throw the word "dick" around freely, calling people anything from dicks to dickbags; but they shy away from calling someone a cunt. Seems a little lopsided, if you ask me. I feel that if you can call someone a dick, you should also be able to call them a cunt.
See what I'm getting at? It's just a word. In fact, I believe it is the most effective curse word ever. Let's be honest, when you swear at someone today, they aren't rendered speechless like they would have been in the 40s. [and vice versa. when was the last time someone said "fuck off" to you and you went home and cried?]. People hardly bat an eyelash at words like "fuck" and "god damn whore." I find the only word that stands the test of time and usage is the C-word. As soon as someone drops the C-bomb, you KNOW they mean business.
As an avid reader, I fully realize that there are innumerable words in the English language; and I'm limiting myself by using curse words so often. I'm sure that some people think less of me because I choose to use "derogatory" words over "approved-for-the-general-public" words, but this is who am I and those people can piss off.
Now that you fully appreciate my love for swearing and curse word combos, I'd like to tell you about the cuntslap.
Believe it or not, I suffer from pretty severe road rage. Actually, I suffer from idiot rage, but this post isn't about idiot rage. It's about the origin of the cuntslap so I'll skip all the idiot rage details and focus on one aspect of it: road rage. I cannot stand it when people need to come to a semi-complete/complete stop before making a right turn. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. Seriously, unless you're at a red light, a stop sign, or there is a pedestrian, you do not need to come to a complete stop to execute a right turn. Jesus TITS.
One evening, Husband was driving us home from PetCo [where we spend all of our money spoiling our two dogs. I have no shame.] You know you have bad road rage when it affects you as a passenger. I wasn't even behind the wheel, and this other driver sent me into dino-bear mode instantly. We were traveling around 55mph-ish, which is the speed limit on route 11. I'd like to mention that the person in front of us was a total dildo. We had been following her for several miles and for some reason, she could NOT maintain a constant speed. She would randomly hit her brakes because the car 75 yards in front of her tapped theirs. Completely useless. Anyway, this jack-off slowed down, prematurely in my opinion, and then proceeded to come to a nearly complete stop before making a right turn.
My annoyance was reaching critical mass. Suddenly, I shouted in exasperation, "OH my GOD. I will CUNTSLAP you!" Husband and I instantly looked at each other with complete wonder in our eyes. Cuntslap?! what is THAT? It was so organic. The word came out of my mouth before I even realized it existed. It was incredible. One of the crowning achievements of my life. I'm sure you'd agree.
After several minutes of hysterical laughter, Husband asked me what exactly a cuntslap is. I'm guessing by now, you've developed a lot of mental visuals. Allow me to explain. A cuntslap is similar to a bitchslap, but more intense. It's more insulting, too. To be completely specific, a cuntslap is when someone is being a cunt and/or actin' a fool, and you need to slap them to put them in their place. Like I said, it's a lot like a bitchslap [which is to slap a bitch when he/she is being a bitch]. It is most certainly NOT this:
Go forth now and use this word freely. You're going to love it.
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