Friday, August 26, 2011

Being an Asshole is Totally Unacceptable

I consider myself to be a friendly person. I get down with "you get what you give." When I pass people on the street, I acknowledge their existence by saying hello or at the very least, smiling at them. I'm not sure what happened to humanity, but the concept of being polite to your fellow man is totally lost on people these days.

My mother, Big L, always taught Sisters and I that being an asshole is totally unacceptable. She believed, and still believes, that it's wholly important for the moral strength of the individual to be helpful and polite whenever possible. She was extremely strict with the whole "please" and "thank you" routine, too. When I was a kiddo, I hated this and felt that being polite was "stupid." [I admit, I was being slightly immature. lay off me, I was 7.]

As is with most things in my life, I now completely appreciate what Big L was trying to teach Sisters and I. Unfortunately, it seems no one else in the UNIVERSE was raised the same way. I guess I shouldn't say "no one", but you have to admit that it's rare for people to be helpful or polite to a stranger. It's like they automatically assume that because they don't know you, you're either diseased, a vagabond, or a killer/bank robber on the run. This might be true in some cases, but saying "hello" is not, generally-speaking, how diseases are transmitted or why a killer/bank robber would stop their crime spree to shoot you in the face. Seriously. My issue with these douches is that when I go out of my way to say hello to you, especially after we've made eye contact, it's polite and humane to say hello the fuck back to me. Observe:







I will always think you're a motherfucker if you don't reply to a simple "hello." You're either a motherfucker or a motherfucking alien. Doesn't matter. If you're an alien, take some notes dickbag and say hello when someone greets you.

One day, while I was walking Loxley [our dog of pure awesomesauce], I passed three separate people who did that weird I-made-eye-contact-with-you-but-I'm-going-to-pretend-that-I-didn't thing. Luckily, I'm a pro at recognizing this. Undeterred, I still said hello to each person and received, as I'm sure you've guessed, no response.

By the time Lox and I were ending our walk, I was so pissed off I could hardly make it back to the house. I'm fairly certain I screamed at a squirrel, but being fully enveloped in dino-bear rage, I can't be sure.



Before my dino-bear meltdown, I considered that these people were aliens, but you know what? I don't give a fuck. You need to learn some etiquette. Not even just normal manners, but small town etiquette, which is its own bag of fun. Think about it. If you live in a small town, you see familiar faces everyday. Your face is familiar to someone else [insert creepy stalker music here].  I see the same 5 people every morning during my run and those 5 people/aliens better learn to say hello. [This does not include the adorable bearded gentleman walking to/from work with his red igloo lunchbox. You're terrific.]

To make matters worse, has anyone else noticed how some parents do not want their kids to say hello? What in the holy hell is that all about? I get the "don't talk to strangers" bit. Big L didn't want us to go off and hold conversations with strangers about their candy, puppies or bikes; but she did tell us that "saying hello is just what people should do" ESPECIALLY if that person doesn't look like a creepshow. After several clinical studies, I've determined that parents aren't doing it to protect their children, they're just being fucking rude. The only other plausible explanation is that they are cave people who don't recognize creatures of the same species when they pass them on the street or anywhere, for that matter, outside of their cave. I should mention that none of us "non cave dwellers" want to eat their cave babies so there is no need to shield them from us. Observe:



See what I mean? I could totally understand the whole "clutch your baby to your bosom thing" if I looked like a fucking lagoon creature, but I don't [on most days]. Those parents are perpetuating their bad attitude/weirdo behavior. Rather than instill wisdom and insight, they'd prefer to leave their children with rudeness/drone-like behavior as their sole coping mechanism. The only solace I take from this is that those kids will grow up to be drug dealers, derelicts or stupid bitches [could be men or women, I don't discriminate with 'bitches'. It's unisex in my book]. It is also possible that these cave people are actually the aforementioned aliens, which would explain the vacant look in their eyes; but I have yet to study them in their natural habitat. I don't do caves. If you've seen The Descent, you know why.


14 comments:

  1. You should totally eat the cave-dwelling babies. How else will you prevent the spread of cave-dwellers?

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  2. So let me see if I understand this... You can choose to not make eye contact with people when they're at a set 'douchery' scale set by you, go into a dinobear rage [read bitchfit] towards those who have poor conversation skills BUT repeaters, interrupters and people that don't feel comfortable saying hi to you are the route of all evil? Interesting take on the world. Stick to the funny stories because they truly are funny, the others make me think you're probably just really hateful.

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  3. Dear Anonymous,

    My only hope is that you're a kind person who says hello to strangers. The next time you smile or say hello to someone who does not return the kindness, you'll think of me. Take it for what it is: absurdity. You'll enjoy life more. I promise.

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  4. OH Mrs. Konek [super exciting NEW last name!!!] you are so right. SO SO SO RIGHT. If only I knew how to prepare cave-dwelling babies...I'll look into this shortly.

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  5. First of all... ew.

    Secondly: may I address 'Anonymous'? I shall anyway... shut up Anonymous, or perhaps, have the balls to say who you are. While I don't condone cannibalism in any way, I do condone... nay, I am a champion of, utter and succinct politeness... for a person not to respond to someone who made the simple gesture of nicely acknowledging their existence, and thereby their deserved position as a fellow member of the human race, would then negate any rightful claim said person might have as a human being. Hence: cave aliens.

    In other words: You get what you give... if you ignore me, you become a personification of rudeness, considering your disdain is all I have to go by. Therefore, as a form of walking effrontery, you deserve to be bashed in a very intelligent, astute, and hilarious blog.

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  6. I have had the enjoyment (not) of being in your presence. In my opinion, you really don't practice what you preach. You WERE NOT KIND, DID NOT SAY HELLO, and what I received was a sneer not a smile. BTW...we never met before and you didn't know me at all. Therefore, I can say I did nothing to deserve your rudeness.

    I'm not really into being judgmental, but in your case, I'll make an exception and be just that. Frankly, you came across as having a bit of a superiority complex, which, at 27, probably just translates into you BEING REALLY INSECURE. You can write whatever you want. Not everybody is going to like it, but at least tell the truth about yourself. I'm posting this anonymously, so go ahead & write a scathing blog about people who comment anonymously. I'm sure that scores high on your DOUCHE scale. Life is short & categorizing people by their refusal to acknowledge your existence is a waste of time. Time to grow up & realize people may have other things on their minds than acknowledging YOUR presence. The world isn't all about you, LITTLE GIRL. Grow up & write about something meaningful.

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  7. Dear Anonymous,

    You're sweet. Thanks for reading!

    cuddles,
    Shawnsie

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  8. Yes, darling Queen of Etiquette, exactly the response I expected :P. Just shows your lack of life experience, naiveté, and your inability to respond maturely to a truth about yourself that you may not want to face. But, then again, in more or less your own words, you are the only person that can make you look or feel like an asshole. Enough, said, your blog does JUST THAT.

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  9. Dear Anonymous,

    I'm so pleased to know that you know me sooooooooo well even though we were never introduced, as you've pointed out in a previous comment. You must be some sort of psychic! You win the AWESOMESAUCE award!

    Thank you for "schooling" a "know-it-all LITTLE GIRL" like me. I'm so grateful for your "wisdom" and "enlightenment."

    Husband and I have a theory that you're probably a Cave-Dwelling Repeating Chronic Interrupter, which would explain your misdirected anger and why you cry in public restrooms. I wish you luck with that. Godspeed.

    Sincerely,
    Shawnsie, Queen of Etiquette

    P.S. Later tonight, I'm going to spend at least 15 minutes contemplating the truth about myself that I "may not want to face." I invite you to do the same, sweetheart.

    P.P.S. I received several emails regarding Anonymous comments, which I can only assume came from you, but there's only one comment available to me. This leads me to believe that you lost your balls somewhere in your sandy vagina and deleted the comments or sent them straight to email. [it's also possible the blogspot is doing some server cleaning]. Don't worry, I got to read them!

    P.P.P.S. Thanks for playing the "Try to Make Shawnsie Feel Stupid" game. Like I said and you've recently quoted, "Jokes on you, dickheads. I'm the only person on earth who can make me feel and/or look like an asshole." Thanks for playing.

    P.P.PPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSS. Thanks for taking the time to acknowledge me. I was worried that all the attention might be on world issues or something critical like that. You're swell.

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  10. Boy, you really took the bait and way to hide behind your AWESOME husband. ....and BTW...we HAVE met...more than once & YOU ARE RUDE.

    P.S. Your reasoning & arguments amount to nothing but a verbal attack. Another mark of your inexperience & insecurity.

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  11. To Shawnsie:

    If I have to come in 2nd for the awesome sauce award behind this piece of shit I'm gonna be very upset.

    On a more serious note: You're amazing and I love you. Keep being you while they wish they could.


    To Anonymous: The awesome sauce award will be mine! MINE! AAAHAHHHHHAAAAAA !

    Regards,

    JOHN FUCKING HANCOCK!

    PPPPiiissssinmypantsSSSS: Goulet!

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  12. Dear Anonymous,

    I'm sorry, I must be confused. In your second comment, you said that we've never been introduced but that you had the "enjoyment (not)" of being in my presence. I'd like to think that you're not prone to lying and so I followed every word you wrote to the T. I'd like to be perfectly clear to avoid misunderstandings in the future: We have met "more than once" but you refuse to state your name to "protect the innocent." I assume that by "the innocent" you mean the children who have escaped your oven.

    Warning: I'm going to hide behind AWESOME Husband for a hot second.

    Using the popular board game, Clue, for all of our research [just in case you were curious about our methods], we've narrowed down your identity to two possible suspects. You're either Colonel Mustard or Mrs. Peacock [GREAT blue suit by the way] in the Conservatory with the over-used vibrator.

    I'd like to take a moment to ask a question. You said my "reasoning & arguments amount to nothing but a verbal attack." So would you categorize your comments as majestic words of a glorious songbird? Because it reads a lot like a verbal attack. You accuse me of a being a hypocrite...talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

    Again, thanks for playing. Also, thank you for pointing out that my husband is AWESOME. I fully agree, which is why I married him. Jealousy isn't very becoming.

    Don't worry, you'll figure it out.

    Hugs,
    Shawnsie

    P.S. Thanks for the laughs!

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  13. Dear JOHN FUCKING HANCOCK,

    Naaaature, Goulet!

    You get the top AWESOMESAUCE award. You and Lox are tied for first.

    Thanks for your infinite wisdom and support. Bitches be bitches and haters be haters.

    Love,
    Herbie Hancock

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  14. The reference to Clue and to Tommy Boy... way too much to handle on a Thursday morning at work. Love your work Little Girl! Keep up the laughs :)

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