Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Repeater

Are you unfortunate enough to know someone who is a Repeater? I am. For me, on a scale of 1 to Douche, Repeaters are full-on Douche.

As you can see on the Doucher Scale, the Repeater and Chronic Interrupter are preeeeeeeeety close.  If you're around a Repeater for more than a few hours, you will not only want to stab your eardrums after mercilessly beating the Repeater on and about the face with a baseball bat, but you will actually begin to miss the Chronic Interrupter. You're probably thinking: "Why would anyone on earth miss hot mouth shits to the face?" I'll tell you why you'd take mouth shits over a Repeater any day, hands down.

Chronic Interrupters are obnoxious, BUT they only last for so long. They spew their mouth shits and then walk away to spew on some other innocent conversation. One of the fundamental aspects of a Chronic Interrupter is that they need a fresh audience. You'll recall from the Chronic Interrupters post that the more people they can interrupt and irreparably ruin their day, the better. Once they've successfully destroyed your conversation, they slither on to another group. Don't worry, the Chronic Interrupter always comes back. You're never safe for more than an hour at a time. Sorry to get your hopes up.

Repeaters, on the other hand, feed on the same person's conversation, usurping all energy and happiness. Repeaters do not actually want to be involved in a conversation with you. They just want to hear themselves speak, which is why they say the same thing incessantly. They will NEVER let up on ANYTHING. You will literally have the same conversation with a Repeater until you die. or they die. or Dino-bear mode is initiated. "Broken Record of Irritation and Soul-Rape" is pretty much synonymous with "Repeater". Personally, I find this to be much more devastating than being interrupted by a self-serving douche. If you're going to spew, make it new.

This is the only, and I mean ONLY, saving grace for Chronic Interrupters. They are so anxious to impress anyone on earth who will listen that they literally lose their minds trying to think of new things to say.  Even if you call them out on one of their ridiculous statements, they've already forgotten what they said and have moved onto another topic. They bounce from subject to subject so that you can't catch them in one of their insane and impossible lies. Much like a hummingbird, only less graceful and more verbal diarrhea.[I'm not in the habit of tracking hummingbirds, but I'd like to think that they are too majestic to have diarrhea of any type.]

The biggest problem I have with Repeaters is that no matter what, they believe they are right. You will always be wrong. Even when you scientifically prove that there is absolutely no way in hell that Bud Light can be considered palatable, they will still tell you that Bud Light is the only beer worth drinking. You could provide them with charts, scientific method notes, plus a notarized copy of your Nobel Peace Prize for your research paper titled "Why Bud Light Sucks a Fat Chode", and the Repeater will still argue with you. Be warned, now that you have provided irrefutable evidence to prove your point, they'll talk over you while the volume of their voice increases exponentially. [insert stabbing here.] Even more infuriating is when they sense defeat, they find some way to turn it all around so you look like an asshole. Jokes on you, dickheads. I'm the only person on earth who can make me feel and/or look like an asshole.

I'm sure you've been wondering why I'm bringing up the Repeater and the Chronic Interrupter. Recently, I've been in the presence of both, not simultaneously of course. [No one in the WORLD could survive a Repeating Chronic Interrupter.] Thankfully, my close encounters of the douchey kind were on separate days. I survived because I have an amazing knack for ignoring people while making well-timed sounds so they think I'm listening. [I hate to be rude.] Naturally, being around the Chronic Interrupter and then the Repeater sent my brain into Imagination Overdrive. [This is another coping mechanism for which I am eternally grateful.]

Could you IMAGINE those two in a conversation together? It would be like Godzilla vs.Mothra.

That, my friends, would be a battle of epic proportions. Clearly, I could not keep these thoughts and images to myself.

You're welcome.

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