Some of you are lucky enough to know Bahb and Big L. I hope that one day all of you will meet them because you simply will not believe the stories I'll be sharing with you [and they are exceptionally fun to be around]. In order for you to put a face to with the name, I have drawn an exact replica of them:
Cute, right?
I was a jerkface and played the "I'm a teenager and I'm full of angst/rage" card like a champ. [this is the only time in my life that I sucked at being me.] I do regret behaving this way, but life's too short to wallow in regret and the past. PLUS being a teenager is synonymous with being up your own ass, hating on "the establishment" and wearing a less-than-flattering outfit [I have yet to graduate from the 'outfit phase'. any time now puberty, any time.] Onward and upward.
Bahb, Big L and I had some pretty serious battles during my youth, but now I've come to view them as my friends, confidants, and most importantly: the people I call when shit hits the fan. Now that you understand how important my parents are to me, you'll be able to fully appreciate their appearances in my blogs.
My father is notorious for spending countless hours and energy embarrassing his children. Sisters and I were haunted by the lengths that Bahb went to to embarrass us in public places. [At the time, I was mortified daily by him and refused to walk anywhere near him in public. Now I realize how magnificent of a parenting tool "embarrassment" is. If I ever have children, God help them.] Fortunately, Bahb wasn't too inventive when I was a kiddo. His imagination kicked into high gear when Sisters 1 and 2 were in their teen years. By this time, I was in college and completely over being embarrassed by other people.
Example: one fateful trip to the mall resulted in the creation of a superhero identity that I'm CERTAIN Bahb will never let die [the reason I'm certain is that this happened several years ago and he still engages "Operation Pimp Walk" freely.]
Disclaimer: I was not witness to this gem. I was told about it through Big L's hysterical fits of laughter.
While shopping with Sisters and Big L, Bahb rolled up his pant leg in "typical gangsta" fashion, turned his Cabela's baseball cap sideways and followed Sisters around with a severe limp. He calls this little maneuver his "Cool Man/Pimp Walk".
If you knew how skinny Bahb's ankles are, you would pee at least two drips at this visual.
He enjoys the "Canadian Tuxedo", chewing tobacco, and problem-solving. He spends most of his free time embarrassing his family, regaling anyone who will listen with stories from bear camp, and watching hunting televisions show during which he likes to mimic turkey calls, deer calls, and any other mating call he finds appropriate to the species being hunted at the time. I grew up listening to this and being persuaded by promises of hot chocolate or ice cream [depending on the season] to go "deer-spotting". For those of you whose fathers were not avid outdoors men, deer-spotting is the act of driving around the countryside for hours looking for deer and other wildlife with a GIGANTIC spotlight that my dad SWORE would blind you if you looked directly into it: "One million lumens, Shawns. It will burn your eyes right out of your head."
To this day, my deer-spotting abilities are unparalleled. I know the difference between a male and female deer mating call, and I recognize the scent of deer piss [Tink's is bottled deer pee available at your local game/fishing supply store. I love that they call it TINK'S. Absurd.]
Big L is not a hunter and only goes outside for extended periods of time for three things: smoking, tennis, and hiking. I should mention that "Big L" is a misnomer. My mother is extremely petite, which is in direct correlation to her food of choice: triple-shot nonfat lattes, Capri 120's, and any toasted coconut doughnut that Dunkin has to offer. Also, she never stops moving. ever. This can only be explained by the gallons of espresso she ingests everyday. Big L practically vibrates from room to room and when she does walk, she's a quick little thing on a serious mission. It is a known fact in our household that if Big L is laying down, something is HORRIBLY wrong.
Don't let her smallness fool you. Big L is a powerhouse. She can pivot faster than you can outrun the reach of her bitch slap, she will run your ass all over a tennis court, and she is prone to zombie-like behavior before 8am on any given day. Observe:
She also has a unnamed disorder [this is not scientifically proven. yet.] that causes a failure in the synapse between words and speech. To help broaden her vocabulary, she has taken to writing words she has trouble pronouncing or does not quite understand the meaning of in the back of her ever-present address book, complete with phonetic breakdown and brief definition. One of her first entries was "weimaraner" and more recently, "Sasquatch." Now that she's living in Texas, she's been adding Spanish vocabulary. Too adorable for words, really.
Big L is completely Type-A when it comes to organizing and cleaning. She's not overly sentimental and more importantly, abhors clutter. When I was a child, she often went into my room and threw away anything that wasn't put in its "proper place." This might seem harsh, but she did give me fair warning, and I was lazy at the time. She rearranges the furniture every few months and is never satisfied with the paint color on the walls. It's common knowledge among friends and family that Big L is obsessed with ceramic birds and angels as well as wire birdhouses [decorative only]. In real life, she hates birds. [I know. It makes zero sense, but it's all true.]
Both Big L and Bahb are talented craftspeople. I'm fairly certain this is where I get my craftiness/artistic vibe. Bahb was raised as a bricklayer before he put himself through mechanical engineering school. Now he builds lasers and crazy things that help your iPad and iPhone do what they do best. Big L is a surgeon with a hot glue gun and has great taste in lamps. She's an obsessive doodler when she talks on the phone and Anne of Green Gables is one of her favorite series. [both book and tv].
They're also goofy, loud, and adventurous. Their best trait is that they laugh at themselves. A LOT. It wasn't always this way, but as all of us kids are getting older, Bahb and Big L are learning to cut loose.
Well, those are my parents in a nutshell. If you meet them, I hope you'll remember this blog and start a conversation with them.
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