The Horse Milk Debate

Husband and I are fortunate enough to live a few minute's walk from a delicious brew pub. It is within this brew pub that magical moments happen on a daily basis. Recently, we were getting our summer booze on when a heated debate began.

Husband: "If you could milk a horse, would you drink the milk?"

Me: "You're asking me if I would drink horse milk? Absolutely not. I don't even like regular milk. Would you drink horse milk?"

Husband: "Yes, I think I would."

If you think this seems like an innocent exchange, you obviously don't know Husband and I very well. We take our debates incredibly seriously and therefore need to ask anyone who crosses our path their opinion. This is the only way to ensure we've collected a completely unbiased survey. I considered devising experiments using a control group, but that seemed like a lot of work and once I have all that data, what the hell would I do with it? We're talking about horse milk. Naturally, many other people in the bar area got involved. The subjects of our survey raised several legitimate queries, such as: "is it hot? like straight from the teat? or chilled and pasteurized?", "is it served in a glass?",  and most importantly "do horses even have nipples?"

Now that you and I have known each other for close to a month [happy anniversary], you probably realize that when people say things like "Do horses have nipples?", I can barely contain myself.

I flipped through the years of useless knowledge in my brain, but I honestly could not recall if horses had nipples or not. I'm fairly certain that horse nipples have never even entered my thoughts before. This is why I'm grateful for Husband. He's so enlightening.

Because I become neurotic about ridiculous things, such as horse nipples, I panicked. 

I had a few options:

1. Find a horse and check its nether regions [this mission would be executed by someone else as I am terrified of horses: big teeth, maniacally kicking legs with hooves encased in metal. they can't be trusted.]
2. Google it
3. Spiral into a pit of self-loathing and despair, sitting alone in the dark contemplating mammalian nipples while slowly losing my flimsy grip on reality. [This is exactly how I pictured my night going until the horse nipple question could be answered.]

Trust me, I would have obsessed over it, forgoing sustenance and sleep, until I learned beyond a shadow of a doubt whether or not horses have nipples. Thank GOD for the internet. I'd be at the library [or at the state hospital] if it wasn't for the world wide web.

The debate continued with the argument that if you weren't told it was horse milk, you would probably think it was just plain cow milk. This brought up a side discussion involving of the power of suggestion and how it affects us as people, specifically in group settings. [Hello, the Republican Tea Party.] I'd put my money on Michele Bachmann trying to convince America that horse milk is the same as cow milk, even though it comes from different animals. She is absurd.

We asked other staff members at the brew pub where they stand on the horse milk debate. Most people shrugged and said something slightly non-committal like "yea, sure i guess I'd try it." This is a crap answer. People only answer in that way if they don't want to take a legit stance on the subject. Wishy-washy bastards. I did not count their votes in the survey. It's a simple yes or no. None of that "blah blah, I can't commit. Blah blah I have daddy issues that prevent me from making informed decisions. blah blah I lack conviction."

I think that's horseshit [which has nothing to do with this debate but I thought I'd keep the bodily fluids limited to one mammal at a time.]

From what we gathered at the brew pub, most people would "kinda sorta think about trying it." I was a stalwartly "fuck no."

Husband attempted to change my mind and convince me to try it [no idea why...it's not like he carries horse milk around in his pockets.] Even if he did, I wasn't about to go back on my decision. I'M not a wishy-washy bastard. I usually stick to my guns with this kind of stuff. PLUS, I think regular cow milk is repugnant [and cows are adorable. they're not shifty like horses] so you can only imagine how I feel about horse milk.

Husband sensed defeat rather quickly. Exasperated, he exclaimed, "Why don't you ever try my horse milk?!"

To some people, this seems like a reasonable request. Thank you, Cousin J.Kush. I now know where you stand on the horse milk debate. Especially if it's Husband's horse milk.

I ask only this, my friends, would you drink horse milk?