Chronic Interrupters

If you're like me, you are animated and extraordinarily fun to be around. You also know how to carry a conversation and you comply with the rules of conversation etiquette.  You probably get super annoyed with people who constantly interrupt you for no reason whatsoever and whose interruptions are completely off-topic. These people are Chronic Interrupters. Allow me to define them for you:

1. They will interrupt you at the most inopportune times to spew forth hot verbal diarrhea.
2. They interrupt you for the sole purpose of talking about themselves even if it literally has nothing to do with what you were currently discussing.
3. They are often ignorant, irritating, and immature. The three worst human traits combined into one being. It is a super power straight from hell.
4. They are never, and I mean NEVER, that interesting. ever.

This is where I feel natural selection should come in. How does ANYONE deal with that? I'm not sure if the significant other of the Chronic Interrupter is addicted to Quaaludes or WHAT, but I would need an elephant tranquilizer if I was in a relationship with a Chronic Interrupter. I should mention that this would never come to pass because I have no patience for idiots [instant dino-bear rage.]

I don't like wasting my time at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that my time is more important than anyone else's, but I value my time outside of the workday and therefore will protect it fiercely. Much like a mother lion would protect her cubs from hyenas. If you watch Big Cat Diary on Animal Planet, you know that shit gets serious REAL fast. I'm not patient with people who are self-serving and obnoxious. I don't know anyone who is, but I guess I'm just more obvious about it. This is directly related to the Why I'll Never Be President post.

I have the displeasure of knowing a Chronic Interrupter. She shall remain nameless b/c 1) I'm not a total dick and 2) I'd rather tell her to her face during one of her interruption fits that she's an unbelievable douche.

This is how it feels to talk to her:

You might be surprised to know that talking to her one-on-one is not nearly as terrible as when you're in a group situation. I know what you're thinking: "How can it be any worse than hot verbal diarrhea to the face?"  

This is how:

After many hours of studying her in her natural habitat, I've come to the conclusion that she's an attention whore. The more people she can interrupt and irreparably ruin their day, the better. She's the worst kind of Chronic Interrupter: the On Purpose Chronic Interrupter. She doesn't accidentally interject anything. She's not an Interjector [people who get overzealous about what you're saying and have to say something before they explode from excitement]. I find Interjectors to be adorable. Chronic Interrupters are adorable like a staph infection or cholera.

As depicted in the above illustration, I am minding my own business, having a nice conversation with a great friend. Suddenly, like a creature from the deep, she appears out of nowhere to launch her assault of irritating mouth shits.  Not only has she successfully shit all over your conversation, but she makes it impossible for you to ignore her. Even if you change the topic back to what you were originally talking about, which is most likely about someone in your family, something awesome you found in your coat pocket, or how you saved a baby from a raging black rhino, she still finds a way to focus the conversation on her for the sole purpose of one-uping you. It's incredible. 

Me: "Ohmygod. You would not believe what I did today. I chased a rabid alligator into the river, wrestled it to the bottom then used a rock to pry its mouth open to retrieve a Crystal Skull. Then I took a shower and mountain biked the skull to Antarctica for scientific studies. The scientists were so impressed with my ride time that they named a new continent they found off the coast of Africa after me."

[Meanwhile, Chronic Interrupter has approached already babbling about some god forsaken thing. You try to ignore her and thought she took the hint when:]

Chronic Interrupter: "I actually discovered that new continent. It's no big deal, but I was swimming with the sharks as a way to challenge myself when I swam clear across the Pacific Ocean, past Australia, up and around to Africa. Instead of reaching Africa, I bumped into that new continent. Only I didn't know it was a continent at the time."

See what I mean? You say the most ludicrous, impossible thing [even though my example was totally true], and she'll still find a way to interrupt you in the middle of your god damn sentence to talk about herself while simultaneously one-uping your awesome story. I would like to hug her. with an axe.